It's A Mad, Mad,Mad Life
by LauranTheBiscotti
Summary: Tragically true story of a girl in HamburgeragogoLand. Full of kissing, espionage, nuns in thongs, and other naughty bits ooer!
1. Chapter 1

**SATURDAY, APRIL 28TH, 2007 **

2pm

In bed with my pillow over my head. My dad and his friends are being unbearable. If I have to hear one more joke like "Why did the cook throw the butter out the window? He wanted to see butterfly!" I'll scream.

The worstest part is, they're not even drunk yet . All they've been drinking is water out of the tap, and I know it's fine because I was drinking out of it moments ago. But I saw how much beer there is in the fridge, and so I've barricaded myself in my room and locked all the windows. Except for one, in case they burn the house down and I need to escape.

I am a prisoner in my own home, like whosit--Brenda or whatever.

3pm

Thank god ! They ALL went outside. Now I can go to bed. Why waste a perfectly good Saturday cleaning when you could be sleeping?

3:30pm

Can't sleep--the Bulldozer is awake. He's only 4 months old and he already drives me nuts.Whenever I have to change his diaper, he rolls away, and he LOVES to grab handfuls of my hair and pull it out when I am asleep. I am 16 years old ! Full of maturity (ish) ness ! Why do** I **have to share MY room with a baby?

4pm

The hair-pulling-out thing is a bit of a blessing, though.Painful, but yes, a bit of a blessing. You see, I have WAY too much hair...like Chaka Khan hair, but only not so stylish. And my hair is blonde. And I am white. I am actually probably the whitest person you'll ever meet. I burn so easily,too, that I burn at night. I am not even kidding, Sadly.

5pm

My bff John called. He's been my best friend since we both sat in the nurses office together with purple crayons up our nose in Kindergarten great minds think alike! .Anyways, John'll be here to protect me from the Ancients in 2 hours.

7:30pm

Fixing John dinner. He works at the front desk at a local resort at front desk, doing basically what I do here--clean, answer phones, and deal with rude people and stupid questions.Only he gets paid.

All quiet on the Dad front.

7:45pm

Uh-oh, all quiet untill now.They--and by "they" I mean the drunks--have come in for more beer. John and I retreated to my room. We pushed my heavy clothes dresser in front of the door.We know better than to get in between a drunk and his drink.

10pm

John went home ; he had to work early tommorrow.

We discussed crappy Olds. He says his want to kick him out or if he stays, he has to get a JOB and pay RENT. Yikes!

Dad said the same thing. You know, the whole " You-graduated-now I skipped 9th grade because I was homeschooled -and -in -an- adult- world, so- you- must -accept adult-responsibilities" crap speech. I hope I never get old. I'll probably kill myself after my prime age. John says men peak at 25 and women at 30 because men are more mature. I said :

"Yeah, but I'm not the one with a Smurfs tie on .".

When he left he had to crawl out the window because we couldn't budge the dresser--it got wedged in the door jamb.

11pm

All snuggly in bed. I can hear the Loons farting and laughing all the way out in the workshed.Even over "The Blob". Turn the movie up...aaaaaah, better.

11:50pm

Dad came crashing in, yelled at me to "Turn tat named doise down!" then crashed out again.

Literally.

We don't have a screen on the backdoor anymore.

**SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH, 2007**

6am

Dreamt The Blob was eating my face. Woke up and Johnathon was sucking on the huge pimple on my chin.

Great, my little brother gave me a hickey.

7am

Dad still snoring away. I can see he had a good time last night by all the chairs and lamps he knocked over while trying to find his bed.

Which,by the way, is on the other side of the house.

Maybe I can sneak in and get my hot water and lemon juice (very cleansing for the pores) and a little breakfast. But first, my bladder is calling.

7:05am

OHMYGOD I went into the kitchen and my dad was standing there making coffee...in his undwear !!!! OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ran into my room, pulled the shades, locked the door, and am back in bed under my covers. I AM NEVER GETTING OUT OF BED AGAIN !!!!!

OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD !!!!!!

Noon

One of Dad's friends from last night is here. I know from the tires screeching and the loud crappy music. That's what woke me up.

1:45pm

They're trying to load Dad's pushmower on the back of Curtis' truck. It's quite hilarious to watch. They are still a bit tipsy from the night before, and keep dropping the lawn mower on each others' feet.

It's like watching The Three Stooges, only there's 2 stooges. And it's actually funny.

UHOH Dad just looked up and 'round at my window! I am going back to bed.

3pm

Dad keeps knocking at the door telling me I need to go outside as it's good for me and useless crap like that.I tried to pretend I was asleep but Dad unlocked my door (have to remember to hide the butter knives) and pulled the covers off of me.

I fell to the floor screaming "I'm melting!I'm melting!" but Dad just said "I'm giving you 30 minutes to get your butt outside" and left.

You'd think think that if Dad wanted me to be healthy, he'd care if his ONLY DAUGHTER was a puddle on the floor . But obviously not.

3:30pm

It's boiling out! It has to be at LEAST 100F out here . It's so hot it's making me weak. I can barely move! I am going to have a little lie-down with Johnathon in the shade for a bit. I can put on an egg mask and relax and beauty-ify myself at the same time.

7pm 

Yikes! I slept for over 4 hours! I'm suprised I wasn't boiled alive. But I don't even have a tan.I'm just really really itchy. It's probably poison ivy knowing my luck.

7:01pm

EEEEW, ants are crawling all over me!!!!!!!!!!!! My face mask made them crawl on me. They were eating my face !!!!!! Nature is so disgusting!

7:30pm

Took a nice,long hot bath but I still creepy-crawly. Dad says I am over-reacting, but HE didn't wake up, his face covered in ants !!!!!!!!!!!!

9pm

Cleaning my room and getting ready for bed (yes, unasked to and yes, at 9pm...that's how pathetic my life is) and found a $100 bill in a pocket of some jeans crumpled at the bottom of my closet.

Shopping spree tomorrow !!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Monday,April 30th**

8am 

Up bright and early. Shopping spree day!

8:05am

But how am I going to do it? All I have is the moped and I am baby-sitting Johnathon today.HRRRRMMMM...

8:07am

John can take me! No,wait, he works today...who do I know that has a car...?

8:30am

Of course! Susan! I've not seen her in forever (well,3 days).

Susan lives an hour north of here. We've known each other for literally forever--Our dads went to school together, and Susan and I convinced her dad to pay extra money so she could come down and go to school with me.

She's,like, an uber-hippy but she knows LOTS of recipes for homemade face masks and stuff like that, so she's good to have around.

9am

She said yes ! She's really excited. But she just got her car (her dad does detailing for really rich snobby people so he gets alot of cool, free cars) and dad's road is quite literally an old creek bed. Back in the early 1900s or whatever, famers used to water their cows in it. The creek, not the farmers.

Anyways, she can't get down the road so we agreed to meet in town.So now I have to come up with a plan to convince John to drive me to town...

10am

Called John, all snuffly and sneezy. I told him I had to go in town for some cold medicene. For a hint of extra realnosity I (faked) sneezed into the phone.

He agreed to take me to town, but then he said "Don't buy too much clothes. You don't have a big closet. I'll be there at noon." and hung up. Damn! He knows me too well!

Ah well, lalalala ! I'm going shopping !!!!!!!!!!!!

10:30am

As usual Dad left me a HUGE list of chores, taped where he'd know I'd see it...on the refridgerator door.And I only have an hour-and-a-half to get ready !

We probably won't be gone that long. I'll do it when I get back.

Noon

John's here! He's dressed all in black and is skipping, singing the theme from "Mame", twirling a pink umbrella over his head.

When he got to the door I told him the Loonmeister is already gone. He said "Thank god" and handed me the umbrella.

He's so cute. In a BFF way.

12:05pm on the way to town

Dad won't mind me riding with John.Dad hates me being with boys,especially riding in cars with them. But John is an exception.

I mean, come on ! John is my bff and we've known each other forever!

And...I sorta lied and told Dad he's gay. So now my dad trusts us together, because he doesn't think John will "get fresh". Dad is SOO old. 

And whenever John is over to eat, I always seat him next to Dad. And whenever my dad is around snooping like the Ancients do, John needs only ask him "Do these pants make me look fat?" and Dad will leave us alone for the rest of the evening.

It makes my dad SOOOO paranoid!

Dad'll come sidling up to me and sort of whisper "Do you think I am leading him on by saying such-and-such or doing such-and-such or bending down to pick up my fork in front of him?".

It's hilarious and we always have great fun planning how to DE-Dadify my room for the next time he's over.

12:09pm The Landing 

Susan pulled up blasting that weird fluted Indian music she likes . She turned it down when I got in her car,though, because she knows it gives me migraines. And is just generally crappy.

We're going to the Landing first. It was an old boat landing for fisherpeople ,hence the name The Landing, but now it's a HUGE mall along the lake. There's, let me see, 3 department stores, 40 clothes stores, 5 shoe stores, 10 jewelry stores, like 5 stores for like candles, body lotion, and bath beads and stuff like that, 2 high-end perfume stores,a couple of toy stores, 25 restraunts, 2 ice cream parlors, a Fudgery, 2 salons,a place JUST for pedicures and manicures, and then there's places for kids like Build-A-Bear, a Discovery Channel store, 2 Disney stores, a bass pro store, where they sell stuff for camping and hiking and boats and stuff, and oh yeah, a really fancy coffee shop.

I think.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll find something.

12:30pm in Old Navy

Now I remember why I never go shopping. Nothing fits me ! I am tall, skinny, and boobless. And my bum is as flat as a ...flat thing. Anyways, my nub is...I can not find a thing that fits me. I tried women's size 4 but the chesty bits poofed out so much you can see down the front...and see that there's nothing there.

Susan said "Well, if your boobies are that small, why don't try something from the childrens' section?" REALLY loud. In front of a bunch of really fit Brazilian boys. Who play SOCCER. I knew because they all had green soccer jerseys on. That said "Brasilia!" in big yellow letters.

My head almost dropped off from redness.

I said "Susan shut up,as a punch often offends. Besides, you have nothing to speak of, you cheeky chipmunk." And I pinched her cheek.

She's gained a little weight,becuase her mom ,who is a nurse, thought she was too skinny, is now making her eat all these nasty protein bars and protein shakes.

12:45pm Sunglasses Hut

Susan is twittering about. Appearently, there's supposed to be a pair of sunglasses that makes your face look thinner.

Me and my fat mouth...

12:55pm still in Sunglasses Hut

Susan found them and is now pouting at herself in the mirror. She think she looks like Paris Hilton.

She looks more like Paris' dog, but I didn't say it, because I still haven't asked her to give me a ride home.

1:20pm Ye Ole Dime Store (yes, it's REALLY called that)

Susan wanted to go in here as there is a chocolate in here that only they sell. Told Susan in a concerning way, because I was concerned:

"If you eat one more chocolate,your cheeks may implode."

But she just ignored me and still went in.

I only follwed her in because she's my friend. And my ride home.

1:30pm still in Ye Ole Dime Store,Pranks Department

They have everything in here ! Even a pranks and jokes department !

I found a squirting tie for John and Marco Grouch sunglasses for Susan . I wonder if they have exploding cigarettes? I've been trying to convince Dad to quit smoking for forever.

Where's annoying salespersons when you need them?

2pm public bathroom, never to leave again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to KILL Susan !!!!!!

I saw someone in a red sales-type-person uniform, but their back was to me so I tapped him on the shoulder. And he tunrned around...and was freaking HOT !!! He was tall, had black spiky hair, wide shoulders, and big blue eyes.

He said

"_Can I help you ?"_

and I said

"_Mooooooooo"._

We stared at each other for a minute then I realized my mouth was hanging open. And I mooed at him. Like a cow.

I grabbed something off of the shelf

_"How much does this ...spider vein vanishing creme (damn!) cost?"_

_"$3 plus tax"_

I smiled and nodded.

We stared at each other a little more. I was still nodding away like one of those nodding dogs people like to put on the dashboard of their car.

He raised his eyebrow at me ...yummmmmmmmmmmm,sexy !

"_Is your neck okay?"_

_"Oh, yeah, I just love this song"_

Crap. Why did I say that? Elvis was playing.Stop the dang nodding !

_"oh"._

There was an awkard silence. I was making a fool of myself ! I had to say something.

I leaned casually against the shelf he was stocking.

_"Come here often?"_

Oh god, now I sounded like a prostitute. And I was wearing a halter top, short SHORT skirt, and thigh-high boots. And lots of lip gloss. I could feel my face turn bright red.

Thankfully, he chuckled.

"_That's funny. My name is Jackson."  
"I'm Susan"_

Wow, that was at least one sensible sentence.Too bad that's not really my name.

_"So you from around here?"_

_"oh, yeah, you know, near."_

_"You want..well, I know this is a little soon, but you seem like a nice girl. Do you want to maybe go out sometime?"_

_"sure,yeah, whatever"_

God I hope that sounded more cool than it came out.

He flashed that big smile of his .

He gave me his number and I gave him mine.

_"cool, so I'll call you."_

_"sure, yeah,whatever"_ nod nod nod

SHUTUPSHUTUP NODDING !!!!!!!!!!!

I was standing there figuring out what to do next, whether I should say "later" and walk away, or stay and chat till Susan finds me, when Susan runs up .

"Ellen! Where did you dissapear to? I found a collection of John Denver music and you're not going to believe the price!"

OH. GOD.

I smiled at Jackson, who gave me a funny look. Then I realized he was trying not to laugh.

So I RAN for it.

But not before Jackson called out "I'll call you ..Ellen".

OH GOD.

And I just realized I only have an hour to get home, hide what I bought today, AND do my chores.

3:30pm my room 

Susan drove like 80mph the whole way home, but it didn't matter because Dad came in early,and the house wasn't done.

And he saw the shopping bags on the floor because I didn't have enough room in my closet to put everything away.

So I'm grounded for a week...

3:31pm

But I met a Certified Hottie today and his name is Jackson and he's going to call me.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. Sex Machines

**Thursday,May 17th**

**7am "Getting Ready for School"**

Finally un-grounded today!

Of course, it's on a school I have band practice ,I ask you plays the trumpets except old guys with long dirty hair and no life to speak of ?

No one,that is that is why dad has forced me to learn the trumpet, so I won't have a life.

I mean,he goes to THEMES, and costumes, and MUSIC! Of course, it's always something Abba, or John Denver...but still.

Maybe I can 'accidentlly' miss the bus...

**8:25am,Homeroom**

Nope,no such luck,Dad drove me to said it was on his way to a job interview but I watched him pull out of the parking lot and instead of turning left to town,he went right, back home.

And it gets even worse-it's Thursday,so it's Algebra, Language Arts,Biology,Lunch,then PE,Government,History and Music/Band.

**Lunch**

Sitting with the usual Gang...Let me tell you a little about them..first, there is Tabs, an honorary, since she's only gone to KMS for 2 years, like Wally (who is her boyfriend, bu the way..but I'll come to him in a second).She loves horses and reads aLOT of romance novels, and hje always bringhs them to school with the dirty parts marked to read aloud to us during lunch. She iis soo lucky that her mom lets her buy that sort of dad calls it 'trash' and 'porn' and he is such a 's got stacks of pcitures of naked girls under his bed !

Wally is dating Tabs and have been for 2 years luuurves horses (oy,not in that way!) and dresses like a cowboy..he even wears spurs and a cowboy hat to school and speaks with a drawlllll...even though he is from The ' s really funny though. And his Olds never notice that we sneak out beers or care that we stay up all school nights even !

SammyJoe has been at KMS with me since Kindergarten, as hs the rest (except John..he was here only a year,last year) and Wally and Tabs.

She reads ALOT of junk romance novels,,too ,usually ones with pirates on the she is good for makeup advice and always has the latest teen magazines.

She is sort of short and pudgy like me,but she is allowed to wear makeup and dad says perfumes make him sick to his stomach, the smells do, so I only am allowed to use what he buys,crap like anti-dandruff shampoos which only make my hair all dryed out and straw-y.

Mags has been my best friend for...well,literally, is boy-cray but I don't think she has ever been ,actually,I haven't either,but least I've had a boyfriend..OK,it was nly for a week, and he thought I was a lesbian, but still.

Ki-Ki is Japanese, and a vegan, and she is bout a million times more obbessed with boys and romance novels,and collect Ty beanie has a sister in my brother's class (he's 2 years older and 3 classes higher than I am) and she gets the really dirty novels from the highschool library and lets KiKi borrow them...that must be sooo cool to have a sister !

Anyways Adam the Madam, is gay ,and is a farmer boy like I am...ewrmmmm...except I am a ,he's the only who is from the popular crowd who talks to us.

Trista (we called her Tranny for a while ,for her last name, Tranowlski,but then we learned what tranny meant...we laughed for ages) is one of my 4 best-best friends,besides Mags and John and Chris .She is the bad-girl of the group and steals candy bars and sodas for us from the local gas station and smokes in the bathrooms...and not just cigarettes.

Karla is mad, like me,and me Mags and Karla always come up with funny dances to ease boredom in school,AKA Hell.

And Chris (short for Christian),he's 's a Trekkie, and he always makes me laugh with jokes that are sooo stupid,that you just have to has a bunked-up arm, his left hand is deformed,due to some bone disease, but he plays the Saxaphone and calls it his Sax Machine or Sex Machine, for is truly mad.

**But,what was I saying?**

Oh yes=-TGFL...thank God for lunch !

Today has been one horrible thing after another.

First,we had Algebra first thing which sucks (but then,when is Algebra a good thing?) and I got all bloated and gassy in the middle of a pop quiz from dad's eggplant pancakes this morning (leftover fried eggplant from dinner last night ,poked into pancakes then cooked them...dad can NOT cook at ALL...he burns .).I tried to hold it as long as I could...really,I did,but right as I got up to turn in the test..It let it was NOT a silent one,SBD (silent-but-deadly)...It sounded like an elephant with a trumpet up it's smelt like it too.

Unfortuneatly,I sit next to Ashley Stone, the meanest,most anorexic girl in all of KMS, and she told EVERYONE,including Kyle Cavat, the cutest ,most funnies guy I have had a crush on since first grade.

And his snobby girlfriend,Raquel.

I mean,what kind of name is that,Raquel?Are her parents too stupid and couldn't spell Racheal? They're probably brother and sister.

And Racheal isn't even pretty...she's got a small little snub nose, bushy blonde hair and buck only reason why Ash,Brett,Dennis,Kory and so on like her is she has got huge boobs and she's not my fault I am poor.

At any rate,Ashley S. told Raquel, who told Kyle who told EVERYONE.

In fact, he announced it to the class. He said "Watch out for Ella the Elephant !".

And everyone God the bell rang and class ended then.

So I'm glad we're away from them...FAR away.

We sit on the far side of the cafeteria...the tables used to be closer but then Ashley S. and Ashley P. decided it was too close anmd shoved the table to the far side of the cafetaria,all the way against the wall.

Anyways,as Kiki unwrapped her tofu burger she looked at me "Elle,Kyle looked at you today in Language Arts."

Mags said "Was that before or after she fell backwards in her chair?" and everyone laughed.

I am going to kill my friends.

But then Karen said "You mean like he is now?"

I said "WHAT?" and looked round, just as he was looking away.

Oh my God Oh my God Oh My God.

Kyle was looking at me...ME!

I..I-I can't breathe !

Mags must have seen because she said "Intervention!" and jumped up behind me.

It's not my fault I faint.I 'm just...happens.

At any rate,I didn't faint but I did slip off.I fell right into Maggie,landing on top of her with an 'oof.'

Unfortuneately,everyone at the Popular table heard and looked round.

Adam yelled "Oh, girl on girl action,yum yum!" (even though he is gay he IS the school pervert...like John was before he graduated) and EVERYONE heard.

And that includes Damian, who I used to date but dumped me because he thought I was a lezbo.

And Kyle who stared at me for a bit,goggle-eyed.

Oh,boy,here go the lesbian rumors again !

Thank God Monday is the last day !

**6pm,Home,Bed**

Home,finally.I never thought I'd say this,but boy am I glad I'm home.

The lesbian rumors are back again, and now everywhere I got either Ash,Dennis or Brett yell out "Here comes Elle the Lesbian,queen of the dykes!" only because my dad makes me keep my hair short (I have a sensitve scalp and it hurts too bad to comb my hair out every night).

At least band was but some plastic across his saxaphone (he calls it his Sex Machine...he's a loon extroidannaire) and made fart noises with it all night,whenever fat Mr. Bones bent over.

And everyone thought it was him.

He said something really weird, though,on the way home.

He said "Do you think friends are more in disguise?"

I looked at him "You mean,like Clark Kent is Superman?" but he smiled and said never mind.

Huh.

Hot Boy from the Ye Olde Dime Store hasn't called.

I don't think he ever will.


End file.
